Self- Awareness

   I remember when I was young I was this skinny 5 foot 6 inch 110 pound Girl.  This for my height was far too skinny. However at that time in my life when I looked into the mirror all that was seen was the big butt. I did not see that the bubble butt I had was inherited was rounded not BIG. The boys and the girls in middle school seemed to always have something to say about my bubble butt,  actually, in reality they didn't talk about it all the time.  I know that the kids who would from time to time pick on me for my bubble butt did not realize how incredibly self- conscious about my butt size, even though in reality I was incredibly skinny.   I remember  observing  people get on the scale weighing  around 150 pounds and quietly thinking to myself I will never weigh that much!  In my mind tipping the scale over 150 pounds seemed morbidly obese.

  I was three months pregnant with my first child and weighed in at 115 pounds that a the OB doctor gave me only weeks to put on 5 pounds or I was facing hospitalization and an insertion of a feed tube. This is the moment that I became aware that I had a body image issue.  I was scared to death to allow my body do what it naturally does when one is growing another human inside of them. The doctor put me on an eating schedule.  Slowly the weight came on and I was able to avoid the hospitalization. This is where  I learned a lot about anorexia, body image perception and the effects on your brain and body.

Many years later, I had thrown in the towel.  My weight continued to climb upwards.  I now have surpassed my definition of morbid obesity by MANY pounds!  My Ideal recommended weight is 130 pounds.  I eat because I am bored, I eat because I am upset, I eat because I need to be doing something to keep my brain on task.  I eat socially. I eat because it is time to eat.  I rarely eat because I am hungry. The hunger center in an anorexic's brain just doesn't function properly it does not tell you to eat because your body needs nourishment due to the fact that the anorexic's brain isn't triggered physiologically normally,  this can lead to over compensating when the person throws in the towel on appearance and starts to "feed" the emotions.  Emotional eating is very dangerous for a person who is struggling with their coping mechanisms.  Emotional eaters easily become addicted to food as it feeds the  pleasure centers in the brain and it feels good and satisfying at the moment.  Then after the let down (within 2 hours) you are looking for the oral and sensory stimulation of food again.
I looked to food to make my brain feel good.  I did not look to food as something my body needed.

Now weighing in at almost 180 I have awakened to the fact that I am over weight.  I don't feel good because I am unhealthy.  I have not been eating the right things to nourish my body. My health issues will continue to progress unless I do something to change the trajectory. My body is filled with toxins from both my environment and from what my body is storing through bad food and fat.  I am going to be documenting my progress  and detailing my steps that I take.  Like anything else in life anything is possible as long as you keep placing one foot in front of the next.  I am making this experience public and coming out of the closet with this so that maybe I can promote understanding and help someone along the way. Most of the time when people think of anorexia we think of a skeleton of a person.. Truth is , it is a dysfunction of your perception and the hunger center of your brain and the weight swing can go both ways it all depends on what supersedes the visual perception or the emotional void.

Step one to over coming anything is life is self- awareness and accountability.  I have an eating disorder. This eating disorder is a problem due to the fact that I am not happy with the effects of it. My eating is a problem because I have refused to acknowledge it. My eating is a problem because I make unhealthy choices of what my body needs at the moment.  My eating is a problem because I eat for the wrong reasons. My eating is a problem due to lack of self-control.  

I hope whoever reads this does so with an open mind. I have made a commitment to be healthy.  I will be following up with posts on my journey and the steps I am taking for a successful life change!

xoxo
Peace and Paint!
Taressa

this is the picture that drove home my weight gain for me....  I look forward to doing another picture with Theresa Caputo next year and having a comparison.... maybe I will actually fit  in a little cute dress!